Looking back on the past year, in RETROSPECT, I finally understand and comprehend the audacity of people, the reasoning behind certain happenings and finally I came to terms with my greatest darkest largest enemy, yours truly.
Having lived to tell the tale, I can now write this in retrospect.
I was ONCE diagnosed with a mental illness, or so they say…
To me, it didn’t feel very fitting or settling, to be LABELLED, mentally “disabled” or mentally “handicapped in a certain way”
I’ve lived 21 years of my life as a fully functioning, mature adult, and I could not comprehend WHY I was suffering with this…
What happened was, I had taken way too much emotional pressure, all brought upon myself from thoughts gone wild, coupled with various seemingly stressful stimuli.
Just like a chemical reaction, when the correct reagents and conditions were satisfied, KABOOM an explosion occured in my brain, and I lost control of myself ” seriously” yes, I did, and that was probably the scariest 2 weeks of my life.
DISCLAIMER: this is a personal recount, not to be cited for any medical or research purposes. (ha ha ha) people on the internet believe and sensationalise anything these days…
So, now I will attempt to explain a series of unfortunate events that led to my mental breakdown, now that I am fully recovered and able to write this from an able bodied persons’ point of view, as deemed so by medical professionals.
I had gone without sleep for 10 full days, a whole 240 hours, without a single wink.
According to science and medicine, I should’ve been severely handicapped by now, but I wasn’t. In fact, I called an ambulance due to shortness of breath, and was immediately fine within 3 minutes of receiving an oxygen mask. (ha ha)
I walked myself out of the hospital and took a cab home that very day…
PLEASE, if you have gone for more than 72 hours without sleep, go to a clinic and seek medical help. DO NOT endanger your life like I did, and have to incur the hefty ambulance fee of $300 bucks for calling 995 from Raffles Hospital.
well, so my vitals seemed fine and I was released. But that very day, I knew my mind was completely out of whack and I needed to see a private psychiatrist.
I went, to paragon medical centre. I was IMMEDIATELY warded, in Mount Elizabeth, Camelia ward, the psychiatric ward, where I slept comatose for 19 hours straight. Waking up at 3pm the next day, to the nurses forcing me to eat bland hospital food and my psychiatric medicine.
I stayed for 2 nights, to regain my sleep, peacefully, through the use of various pills…
sleep eat sleep eat. talk to very eccentric and interesting mental patients (like me)
sleep eat sleep eat. surf the net. sleep eat sleep eat. try to feel NORMAL. in a psychiatric ward. eat sleep eat sleep.
Well, I went back home, continuing my medication and house arrest. I was basically grounded for 2 weeks. I felt sightly more normal, had slightly better sleep.
Not to mention, this was my reading week, so I had to take a paper in school when I came back from the hospital.
I did, with 3 days of haphazard revision, and scored a C+ for that module, not too bad at all. This was Year 3 Semester 1 Academic year 16/17. I was taking the module Business Valuation AC3103, and had to defer that paper due to my mental state.
I took a holiday to UK with my dearest friend Keshiniy, to excape from it all and recouperate. It was great fun. But I was still on meds, probably my most “defeated” countdown moment, ever. Like EVER.
Year 3 sem 2. New year, New Me. Started 2017 with new hope, but guess what, I relapsed once again during reading week… Took meds to calm and manage myself, but to no avail. I still failed 2 modules, AC3103 business valuation and AC3102 – Consol. I was unable to graduate, I was unable to convocate.
I took a summer trip to greece and central europe with Nikki, thinking it would be my last few months of freedom, but no, I was going back to school in 2017. WHAT WHY!?
It was a moment of disappointment and confusion. I could not bring myself to attend the convocation of my bachelor of accountancy batch friends, and told them I was busy or sick. Yes, busy wallowing in my self pity and sick and tired of school.
The only convocation I attended was Shao Tan’s my first ever friend in NTU and one of the best seniors I’ve ever met. She showed me around school, taught me how to pay hostel fees and made adapting to campus life that much easier.
So, there I felt the exuberant joy, but the same sadness knowing we were supposed to convocate together, but we didn’t…
I went home, sad and defeated. But genuinely happy for my friends, who have started their jobs and well, were already ADULTING.
While the sucker me went back to school… for ANOTHER SEMESTER OH GOSH.
the horrors of failing constantly crept through my mind…
so this would be my THIRD attempt for AC3103, the damned module I hated with all of my guts….
and the fear of failing was real.
Year 4 sem 1. I studied hard, having only 2 modules and paying $3500 to complete them. I calculated the cost to be $1750 PER MODULE that’s SO DARN EXPENSIVE.
So, yes, that was the cost. of my mental breakdown. $3500 in another semester of school fees, sigh piez.
Midterms were here and I scored a D for my AC3103 individual assignment
Midterms were here and I scored a 51% for my AC3102 assignment
I was defeated beyond belief, and thought to myself, GOD I am really at the end of myself, please help me through this finals, PLEASE.
Well, reading week started off well, and I went full steam for revision.
All these efforts paid off:
AC3102: Consol B+
AC3103: Bizval B
HOW DID THAT EVEN HAPPEN !??!?!
From a D midterm, and a C midterm, to a B and B+
God was indeed SO GOOD TO ME.
IT WAS DEFINITELY A MIRACLE !!!!
Also, friends, this is proof that, IF YOU YOLO SO HARD DURING YOUR SEMESTER.
get your shit together during week 13, listen for hints, consult your profs.
THE BELL CURVE GOD WILL REWARD YOU MIGHTILY
hehehehhe just kidding, but well..
“with man, this is impossible”
“But with God, all things are possible! ”
To God be all the glory. Hallelujah and a ten thousand Amens!
May this be an encouragement, all of second lower and below NTU peeps,
the bell curve is MEAN but you are MEANER
and you can rise again (above the average)
just put in the hard work, and it will definitely PAY OFF